I have had a week of tears. They weren't all sad tears, most were the really good ones that come from being moved or inspired. Some just happened to come during professional meetings for a couple of creative projects. So, while they are proof that my heart is open and full, they were a wee bit inconvenient, like today.
I was being interviewed by a lovely friend, Ted Lyde, for his podcast. At the end of the interview I was acknowledging him for being a superhero dad and husband. He is one very moving dude, but I'm not sure he was up for tears on his mostly comedic podcast!
Ted has been married 23 years, has a son and a daughter, and his son is disabled. Ted has had to face his fears, his push-back against being in charge of the lives of his precious children, and his basic humanity around parenting. He's had to look at some uncomfortable pieces of himself to negotiate the daddy seas, that everyone knows can get choppy from time to time. And, when dealing with disabilities, the waters can become quite treacherous.
But even the simple daddy chores can call for heroic responses. Ted was describing the delicate balance he tries to achieve with encouraging his daughter to really know her true power while giving her the reality check warning that she may run into people from time to time who won't share his, her mom's, or her friends' view of her, and that that's OK. What spectacular coaching, which I wish on some level my dad had given me: not everyone is going to like you and that's just dandy.
I told Ted that I had uncovered a wound only a week ago around the issue of being liked. I have a hard time when people I like don't like me back. It happened last week, that a friend of two years came to this conclusion. I wondered how at my age I was so affected by him no longer liking me.
So, I dug in and went back to Superhero of Love Boot Camp. I did a Debbie Ford-inspired shadow exercise. I had done Debbie's Shadow Process workshop years ago and still actively use the techniques I learned. This work is mentioned throughout my book Superhero of Love: Heal Your Broken Heart & Then Go Save the World. I think shadow work is so helpful to coming into our light, our full power, and to opening up our hearts to love and be loved as much as possible.
So, the Ford-inspired question I asked myself was "When was another time that I felt that I wasn't liked, that devastated me like this?" My memory immediately shot to a place I would never have imagined. My dad moved to Alaska when I was 11 years old. I never had been conscious that my 11 year old brain made his moving to Alaska mean that he didn't like me. It wasn't, of course, the truth, but it was what my little girl self thought was the truth. It was the story I made up about it to have it all make sense.
Ironically, one of my favorite memories of my dad was not long after I gave birth to that shadow self, during one of my first summers I spent with him in Alaska. We were leaning against his truck and he said "I know you know I love you. And, I know you love me. But I want to be sure you know that I actually really like you." I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. Yet, the year before, very likely at the moment he told me he was moving, my 11 year old said "He doesn't like me. If he really liked me he wouldn't move so far away."
I had a good long cry for that little girl. I felt like a bad parent who left her on the side of the road all those years ago. After my cry was over, the pain in my heart completely disappeared. The world was no longer collapsing because a friend no longer liked me. That shadow self, born at age 11, whose disempowering mantra "he doesn't like me" had been partially running my life, and used to grab the wheel from time to time, like it did last week. Uncovering this shadow, though, I no longer have to be disempowered when someone doesn't like me. She will always be there. Our shadows don't disappear. But, now that I am conscious of her and her mantra, I can listen to her concerns, but not let her drive the car. She's not even 16, after all!
When Ted and I were talking about this today, I remembered that a Shadow Process workshop is coming up in Los Angeles on December 5th through 7th. I couldn't more highly recommend this workshop if you are looking for more freedom and power in your life. It was a very big part of my Superhero of Love training. It is work I will always practice because it allowed me to love and be loved more than ever before.
Check it out here: The Shadow Process
